Reader questions and feedback on character issues. Also refer to honesty, courage, responsibility, honor, reliability, service, stealing, cheating, Ron Kurtus, School for Champions. Copyright © Restrictions
Answers to Readers' Questions on Character:
Newberger Book
The following 3 comments and questions have been sent in. They are listed according to date.
List of first 10 items
- Concerned that girlfriend always lies
- Friend's boyfriend may want to break up
- Is there any reward to be honest?
Concerned that girlfriend always lies
Question
December 12, 2006
Greetings from Cape Cod, a small new englgand town on the edge of earth. I'm writing to you because I stumbled across your webpage on "Trust and Honesty"... I'm currently in a trustless relationship. Mostly on my part and IM not sure what is the truth and what is a lie. I live with my girlfriend and we have a rocky relationship at best, and I don't klnow what to do. I love her deeply, but I get these vibes from her that something is not right. This is due, in part, to our history together. I have caught her in several lies and, on occasion, in situations that raise questions followed by answers that create more quesitons and doubt. This is very frustrating because I want to believe she is a trustworthy person. I conceed to having trust issues and made that very clear to her from the start. However, my trust issues with her are not without merit, and I believe that people create the environment they are in. She often turns the questions around and puts them back on me stating I have a problem. What I am asking is this...What is the fine line between confrontation about lying, and believing someone with a history of deceit. We broke up for a couple of months and I moved back to my area. She called me one day and told me she wanted me bvack, that she realizes that her lies and headgames have caused mistrust and that she wanted to make this work. with some hesitation, I decided to move back herre with her. It's been about 2 months, and already I am seeing signs of lying and headgames on her part. When I react to these situations, she shuts down, and says nothing. How do I deal with this? Am I crazy, or am I justified?
Sincerely,
Daniel - USA
12612
Answer
People lie for various reasons. One reason is to deceive another person in order to manipulate or get something from the person. A con-man or shyster are examples of such people. There are others who lie because they did something wrong or do not want to let others know their business. Then there are those who lack self-esteem and lie to build themselves up in the eyes of others. And finally, there are the few that lie not to hurt another's feelings.
People who are habitual lyers, such that they may not even know what the truth is anymore, are usually those with esteem problems. They want to be somebody they aren't. They also often play headgames to get the upper hand.
You can try to figure out how to classify your girlfriend. Also, it would be interesting to know whether she lies to her friends and family too.
Catching your girlfriend in a lie and confronting her about it realy serves no purpose. It will usually just result in denials and an argument. Also, telling her that she has a problem it the best way to start a fight. It is not unusual for a person to take offense and turn it around.
I think the best technique to handle an argument is to tell the person that perhaps you misunderstood what was said and that you want to communicate the issue better.
Personally, I don't like to have arguments, especially in a romantic situation. Life is too short to have a relationship where there is mistrust and fighting. You may love someone but not be able to live with the person. You can be friends though.
I hope these ideas help in resolving this issue.
Friend's boyfriend may want to break up
Question
January 1, 2006
I have a friend who has a boyfriend but when they kissed he decided he didnt like her anymore. Now he likes someone else but the girl he likes has a boyfriend, so he is just using her for now until the girl he likes is single. Somehow my friend found out and is asking me why I said that but I don't want to hurt her feelings by telling her the truth. What should I do? Should I tell her the truth or go with a lie and let this unfold itself? I really need to know ASAP! Thank you for your help!
P.S. she is also very sensative!
Yohanna - Germany
9518
Answer
Although you hate to see someone taking advantage of another person, I've found that the best philosophy to take in affairs of the heart is not to get involved.
You don't want to lie, so one tact to take is to say you're really not sure what the real truth is. Say that you don't want to spread rumors or tell about things that you aren't 100% sure of. And that is the truth too.
It is a situation where you really can't win one way or the other. So try to use diplomacy to say you really aren't sure of things.
I hope things work out for your situation and for hers.
Is there any reward to be honest?
Question
October 20, 2005
You mentioned that truth is vital to honesty and also vulnerable to honesty.What I want to know is that what's the definiton of honesty and trust?
Is there any reward to be honesty and trust? If there is , what is it?
- USA
8632
Answer
Being honest can be always telling the truth to the other person. It can aslo include not stealing or taking things from the other person.
Now the social reward for being honest is that the other person will most likely trust you. That means he is sure that you won't lie, steal or cheat him or others. Trust is important in social interactions. Most likely you wouldn't buy from a salesman that you didn't trust. Also, employers won't hire people if they think they are dishonest. They don't trust them.
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