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Feedback Q&A on Excellence

by Ron Kurtus

Readers have sent in a total of 206 comments and questions on Excellence issues. They are listed according to date.

You can read them to further your understanding of the subject.

List of next 10 letters




Fear Husband is emotionally abusive and I want to leave USA
Confidence WBT Get depressed after making a mistake Pakistan
Confidence I have very low confidence USA
Confidence Like girl but afraid to tell her South Africa
Confidence WBT How to make an impact over the audience? India
Fear Messed up in first time as a group trainer USA
Confidence WBT Learning to be more confident USA
Fear Has fears since father shot her when she was seven USA
Confidence Does not believe he can succeed in any field India
Alessandra Platinum Rule Is this the same personality profile? USA

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First 10 letters

Husband is emotionally abusive and I want to leave

Topic: Fear


December 8, 2007

I was divorced at 25 years old from an physically abusive man. I remarried 15 years later and now am married to a man who is emotionally abusive. I am now 56 years old and have wanted to separate from this man for many years but have an unexplained fear of leaving my environment. He won't hurt me or anything like that it's just I'm afraid of being on my own at this age, despite the fact that I am very ALONE in the marriage. What is holding me back?? How can I overcome this? I know I've been brave before.




It can be very scary to leave a relatively comfortable environment and go into the unknown. One big factor is financial uncertainty. If you are working and can afford to leave and get your own place, then that is not a roadblock.

But there also may be other factors. Try to make a list of all the reasons you feel you should leave, as well as those that are preventing you to leave. That may help to get a better perspective on the matter.

If your husband is emotionally abusive by insulting you, calling you names or constantly criticizing you, it is good to get to the root of the problem with him. In such situations--without getting hurt or angry--calmly confront him with it. Like, "Do you really think I'm stupid? Is that why you married me?" Note that some people insult and demean others because they are making up for their own abuse or that it is a way to build themselves up at someone else's expense.

You need to be very calm and bring up that his emotional abuse is unpleasant to you and ask him why he acts that way to you. (Note that doing this takes some courage too.) If you can bring this up and talk about it, he may realize what he is doing and try to change. But also, it can be the beginning of your separation, if he does not want to talk or change.

After you make sure that you can afford to leave, you can let him know you are unhappy as a start. I am sure it will hurt him to know that you are considering leaving him. If you can't work things out, you can see a divorce lawyer and start the proceedings. It isn't as simple as just being brave and leaving. You will have to plan ahead, probably go to some counseling, and then complete the divorce.

Bravery and courage is easier when it is done a little at a time.

I hope these ideas help and that you will be able to find happiness.

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Get depressed after making a mistake

Topic: Confidence WBT


November 16, 2007

Your interactive session of How to Gain Confidence is great. One thing I would like to ask you is that if I am depressed with something I did wrong then how can I overcome that? or any problem that has been a continuous worry for me and is depressing me in every field of my life then how to overcome that? Secondly,whenever I do something 'Right' and someone at once says that I am wrong then I get confused. How can I overcome this problem. Third question is that whenever I go in front of any audience evenif I am prepared for that task my legs start to shiver and I cannot deliver effectively.
I think I am in deep trouble with professional life in front of me with respect to Self Confidence. Please help me out in this regard with all friendly and professional advices that can prove to be helpful for my prosperous future.
Thank you.

Muhammad Rehan - Pakistan



It is important to have a good attitude toward mistakes you make or things you do wrong. Instead of becoming depressed that you made a mistake or down on yourself, try to think of it as a learning experience. Realize what you did wrong and vow to learn and grow from the experience so that you will better the next time. Certainly, do not dwell on your mistakes but look toward your self-improvement.

If someone corrects a mistake you have made, thank them for pointing it out. But also, realize that in many cases people will criticize others because they want to make themselves look good. Consider the source of the correction.

Everyone is somewhat nervous before speaking to group. Being well-prepared and practicing your talk beforehand helps to reduce this fear. Also, see our section on public speaking and how to overcome the fear of speaking at:

I hope these ideas help. Best wishes in your success.

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I have very low confidence

Topic: Confidence


November 13, 2007

i have very low confidence which i believe learns to my low self esteem and minor depression

anonymous guy - USA



Confidence and self-esteem are related and often confused with each other.

If you do not feel you can successfully complete a task, your confidence is low in that activity. Some people are confident they can do anything, while some do not even try to do things, because they don't think they will succeed.

Esteem concerns your self-worth. Some may feel they are not you worthy of winning the grand prize or of getting hired in a job. Usually, that is caused by blaming themselves for failures, as opposed to accepting them as simple setbacks.

A fellow may be very confident in his ability to convince girls to go out with him, but he may lack self-esteem and feel he is not worthy of some very good looking girl. "She's too good looking for me. She probably has all sorts of guys after her."

You can build your confidence by building on previous successes and acknowledging them. Having the view that perceived failures are really simple set-backs and learning experiences can help your esteem. Focus on your goals and don't give up. That will also help your minor depression.

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Like girl but afraid to tell her

Topic: Confidence


November 7, 2007

I know this girl i say hi, say few words to her ask her how shes been and how life is treating her.I hug her sometimes.I like her and i want to tell her that i like her, but everytime i get the opportunity i lose it,i lose my confidence and get can you help me?

martinos - South Africa



You really don't have to tell her that you like her. She can tell by the way you act toward her.

The next step to take is to ask her to join you in some activity. Let her know what you like to do and find things she likes to do. Asking her to do something together, lets her know you are interested in her. If she likes you too, she will say yes.

Actions speak louder than words. Note that in some cases, when a fellow tells a girl he likes her too soon, for some reason the girl may back off. So it is better to be able to do things together first.

Best wishes on your relationship with this girl you like.

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How to make an impact over the audience?

Topic: Confidence WBT


October 23, 2007

if we are confident enough say, while giving a presentation.How to make an impact over the audience?

smart - India



Look at our lessons on Public speaking at

Although you need to be confident that you know your material, you also need confidence in your ability to make a good presentation to a group. A major part of that confidence comes from thorough preparation. You need to practice your presentation many times to make sure it is good and that you can deliver it well.

In order to make an impact over an audience, you need to research about the audience, such that you know their interests and attitudes. The presentation must be about things that the audience wants to know or learn. The impact often comes from presenting something new and very worthwhile to the audience.

Best wishes in your presentations.

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Messed up in first time as a group trainer

Topic: Fear


September 28, 2007

So glad to have found this site tonite! because tonite was the nite where every thing that could go wrong went wrong. Im a personal trainer of over six years experience of 1 on 1 succesesful training. and i was givin my first group class, which i was very opposed to because my lack of confidence in that setting. But i took the challenge and when finished it went down hill in the middle of the class i winged it. well to make a long story short it sucked!. i left defeated, embaressed by a member and felt just down after the class i sensed it wasnt my best & in a world of fitness where youth, looks, and experience, matter competition is firece. Well im at my lowest tonite i dont drink but tonite i needed it bad. i spoke to 2 people about it including my manager who insisted to do the class, cause she believed in me and i felt i let her down too. funnny thing is that one on one i managed to bring these members in to the group setting but didnt deliver. talking wasnt enough to realize that it was ok to live and learn. its better to have tried than not. So i cried and felt better. npw i will come back better and stronger than before and thanks to this site which i randomly picked it relieved my worries thank u and thanks to the internet. because im single with no family & no one to talk too and your site encourged me to kick ass next week!!!!! keep this site rocking and thank you sooo much!!!....yours truly , the born again trainer!!!!

dinp - USA



Sorry to hear that you had a rough time with a group setting in training. In one-on-one training, you can either act as a mentor or a coach. Much is conversational and relaxed. But when you go in front of a class, you really need to be prepared and have a script to follow. You never can simply try to wing it, especially if you have doubts.

You should have outlined what you will cover before your training session. There is nothing wrong with referring to your notes during the session. You can write important items on the board. What this does it clarifies things for the class, plus it takes the pressure off of you.

When leading a training session, you are not up there to impress the class. You are to facilitate the learning process. And the best way to do that is to ask questions and get the class to answer them. If some asks you a question, you can see if another in the audience has the answer. A trainer that gets the class discussing things and just guides the flow is much more effective that the person who tries to wow them this his intelligence and wit.

Youth and looks are mainly important in fitness training to those who are giving the training. As long as the person seems healthy and fit, the group will respect the trainer. The focus of the class is not on how cool the trainer is but on their own struggles to keep up.

Don't be hard on yourself. Volunteer or even insist to take on this task again. Be fully prepared for the session with a good outline of what you will cover, as well as questions to ask the group. Get them involved and take the focus off of you. I think you will find it an enjoyable experience.

Best wishes in moving ahead in your training. I am sure you will succeed.

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Learning to be more confident

Topic: Confidence WBT


September 19, 2007

I just finished reading your lesson. the steps, questions etc. I had a reason to do so. I am a CVT student doing his clinical rounds. I have been in the program 3 weeks..setting up a sterile tray is what i am being taught and one of the things included is sterile gloving. I have been shown how to don sterile gloves several times, taken the gloves home to practise, done well in between but on the whole i still fumble with them.

my self confidence was going down rapidly. I typed in: how to gain self confidence in google and came up with this lesson.. the most important thing I learned was'acknowledge your succeses'and that was one thing i never did.. always put myself down..saying .. i just got lucky..or i got it right now but dont be surprised if i messup next time... i realise these r very negative statements.At 46 a pattrn has been built...which i am going to try to break slowly...acknowledge my successes...i am doing pretty good for 3 weeks , i did put on sterile gloves and actually scrub in as as an assistant for a couple of cases. i have been looking at the big picture.. i ned to break it down into steps.. i can do it

thanks again for this lesson and by the time your reply gets to me i know i will make good progress

Tony - USA



Thanks for the feedback. Making negative self-comments or disregarding your successes--even small ones--is simply a bad habit that many people have. In fact, it was somewhat of a cultural philosophy of some years ago where people were extremely modest about their accomplishments and attributed them to luck or something else. You can see this in many of the old movies before 1960.

Success in doing something is seldom luck. Those who seem lucky have thoroughly prepared themselves and given themselves encouragement along the way.

I am glad to see that you are on the right track in improving your confidence and skills. I am sure you are going to be a success.

Let me know how your progess has been.

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Has fears since father shot her when she was seven

Topic: Fear


August 24, 2007

Hello, my name is Michelle and I have had a huge problem with fear since I was a little girl. I know it has to do with a very tramatic event that took place when I was seven years old. You see... I was shot in the stomache by my father; he was very abusive to me, my mother, and my older sister. I was always afraid of doing somthing to upset him, and this learned behavior as a little girl has effected me in my adulthood.

I am to a point where I have to drink or take a pill in order for me to have confidence in social events; I feel like I'm smarter and wiser, and I get a false since of courage, and at that point it feels so good. I feel free as though able to do anything. But I know that is just a big fat lie. I'm so terrified of being disliked or made to look dumb. I guess that has to do with the strong message I got from my father: He wanted me dead and I was not loved or wanted.

This "fear" that I have, has utterly consumed my life. It has affected my work, my relationships, and my abilty to be successful in life. I feel like I'm emotionally hadicapped; I feel like I'm a defect; and I feel like I'm a failure.

This all stems from fear. I just want for just one day to have confidence without being so concerned about what other people think of me. I want to stop procrastinating with my life! I want to stop dying and start living and loving. Everyone deserves peace and joy in their lives.

I would be very grateful, if you could give me the tools or any advise, that can make me overcome this dreadful disease called, FEAR.


Michelle - USA



It is terrible when parents abuse or harm their children physically or mentally. The first thing to do is to get closure on what happened to you as a child.

I suggest that you sit down and write a letter to your father, telling him how he hurt you, your mother and sister. Tell him the damage it has done to your life. Let it all hand out. Really let him know about what he did and how hurtful is was, especially to his flesh and blood.

Now comes the hard part. Try to put yourself in his shoes. Think about any possible reasons he did these things. Was he an alcoholic? Was he abused as a child himself? Was he picked on at work and wanted to prove himself at home? Were you really his child, or did he think you were from someone else?

It really helps if you can realize why he did these terrible things.

Now finish your letter by telling him that you forgive him for what he did.

You can send him the letter, you can keep it as a reminder to yourself, or you can burn it. The big thing is that you have released the past from haunting you. Forgiveness does not say that what he did was acceptable. It means that you are going to move on in your life, despite what happened years ago.

Now, start out as a new person. Build up your confidence a little at a time. Don't try to be smart or courageous in social situations. Instead, try to take interest in other people. Listen to what they have to say and to their stories. This takes all the pressure off of you to have to "perform" and impress others. People like those that are interested in them. When you find someone with common interests as you have, you can really start up a good relationship. But you still can be friends with the others.

Avoid drinking and pills, especially in social situations. Everyone knows you are under the influence and not really yourself.

Finally, one more thing. Make a list of all the things you have accomplished in your life, from surviving an abusive father, to graduating from high school, to doing something you are really proud of. When you look at all the things you have achieved in your life, you can realize that you've done pretty good for yourself. It also indicates who you are. Be proud of your accomplishments.

I hope these ideas help you get on the right track. No one wants to carry around baggage from the past or to have fears and doubts about things in the future. You deserve better than that. And I know you will be able to lead a happy, productive life.

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Does not believe he can succeed in any field

Topic: Confidence


August 18, 2007

Dear Friend,

My major problem is to face problems, as i am afride, even for small issues. and i am concluding it is not possible to get suceed in any field. day to day my mind is not working faster and i seems to be tired every day and every time. even while writing this mail also. i am feeling will it help me or not and the time taken for the decision is big. how to get rid of this fear, how to take the decision quickly, how to get rid of the lazyness. please help me.

rajanagam - India



The first thing you need to do is to examine your health and make sure you do not have some problem that is causing you to be tired. Proper food and exercise can help to keep your health on track and give you more energy.

Realize that everything you do is an achievement that can improve your confidence. Simply writing this e-mail to us was an accomplishment. Acknowledge it and congratulate yourself. If you get into the habit of acknowledging the things you do you will have more strength to face problems.

Never, ever conclude that it is not possible for you to succeed. Such thoughts are what cause failure. Realize that you made it this far in life and have succeeded much more than some of the people around you. You have tremendous potential, but only if you will acknowledge it and use it.

Write down the things you enjoy and love to do. And then try to figure out ways that you can do those things more. Try to find a job where you are doing something you enjoy, and that will pay you for doing it. Once you get a good idea of something you like to do and get a correction to go, you feel a great rush of energy as you pursue your goals.

There have been studies that showed that when people are trying to decide, the first decision is usually the best if you have two or more routes to go, do not try to over analyze the situation. Instead take the one that you thought was the best initially.

Being lazy names that you do not see the rewards for your actions. If you find something enjoyable to do, you will not be lazy. If something is difficult to do, but the rewards are great, you will not be lazy post things motivate you to action and give you energy to pursue them.

I hope these ideas will help you overcome the problems you perceive.

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Is this the same personality profile?

Topic: Alessandra Platinum Rule


July 19, 2007

Several years ago we had a teacher inservice that talked about Introducing the Four Champions of Excellence. It included four languages that we all speak, Builder, Relater, Planner, and Adventurer. It was very helpful in helping us understand how to best communicate with each other, as teachers. My question is, is Mr. Alessandra the author of that? If he is could I get permission to utilize his information as I work with various schools regarding a Collaborative Service Delivery Model for their students? The information I give to the various teachers would of course give credit to Mr. Alessandra including his website. Thak you for your assistance and keep up the good work!!

Cara - USA



There are a number of similar classifications of personality types. The most common is the DISC profile, consisting of Dominance, Influence, Steadiness and Conscientiousness personalities. You can get more information on DISC from

Alessandra's version is similar but with a slightly different twist to it. Likewise, your four "languages" for communication are also similar. Alessandra did not author the Builder, Relater, Planner and Adventurer classification.

Another, more complex classification, is the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Tests using Myers-Briggs are often used in schools and businesses.

A good book that compares the different profiles is "The Personality Compass" by Diane Turner and Thelma Greco. It is an easy read an inexpensive.

I hope this helps in your efforts.

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