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Answers to Readers' Questions on Excellence:
Esteem
The following 13 comments and questions have been sent in. They are listed according to date.
List of first 10 items
- Never knows what to say in a conversation
- How to create the impression of being smart?
- Worried about son's esteem
- Put down throughout childhood
- Worries when people talk bad about him
- People putting him down
- Tend to criticise my son
- Son is angry and lacks esteem
- Doesn't get respect
- Looking for a definition of self-esteem
Never knows what to say in a conversation
Question
August 1, 2006
Hi, I was reading an earlier email about someone with a low selfesteem problem. I have a similar problem where I never know what to say to people when in a conversation because I'm not used to being in a conversation with people around my own age. My friends have told me I should be more out there but it just doesn't come naturally to me and I just can't seem to do. My friends go over each other houses all the time but I sit back and don't say anything so I am never invited. But when I am invited and I am there it feels like I am being a real downer cause I dont talk and get involved because I don't know what to say. I have never had such good friends and yet I can't bring myself to talk to them. One of themm wants me to right him a letter and all I can come up with is a blank piece of paper. If you could help me in anyway it would be grately appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Jackie - Australia
11595
Answer
Low self-esteem can come from not being able to converse well with others. It becomes a vicious circle, because you feel uncomfortable after talking with someone and then you feel more unsure about yourself.
The biggest thing to realize in a conversation is that most people love to talk about themselves. By being a good listener and asking questions about the other person's interest, you will be able to hold a good conversation. This also relieves the pressure of trying to think of something clever to say.
You don't have to impress people with your knowledge or speaking skills. In fact, often people get bored with the person who has the "gift of gab" and controls the conversation. Instead, everyone likes the person who is curious and interested in what they have to say. Of course, you can inject your own comments and experiences if you want, but there is no pressure on you to do that.
If you are able to get other people to talk, you are considered a valuable person to them. And when you realize this, your self-esteem should go sky high.
When someone writes you a letter, save the letter as a reference when you answer the person. You can ask about different things mentioned in that letter.
But also you need to be able to tell a little about yourself in both letters and in conversations. What do you like? What have you done lately? These may sound trivial, but they are worthwhile, especially in a letter.
I hope these ideas help.
How to create the impression of being smart?
Question
November 14, 2005
how to put or create a impression on others so that they will think im smart and inteeligent
shogan - india
8950
Answer
It is what you say and don't say that give an impression of being intelligent. It is also how you say things.
A person may be very smart, but he may sound like he is not sure of what he says. Also, if he is nervous, he may speak too rapidly, making him sound less intelligent. Speaking slowly and surely implies you know what you are talking about.
Being well-versed in many subjects is important. It is good to not only be an expert in your specialty, but to also be aware of many other topics. This includes news, sports, science, and literature. You do not need to be an expert, but if you know a little about a subject and are willing to let the other person explain more, then you will make the impression that you are an intelligent person.
A person who is not intelligent but is simply trying to make others think he is will soon get caught by saying something that is obviously incorrect. Then others will think he is dishonest, besides being stupid.
You want others to accept your intelligence and not to think less of you. But also, you do not want them to think you are smarter than you are, because they may soon find out the truth.
Best wishes on being yourself.
Worried about son's esteem
Question
September 2, 2001
What do you do for a 12 year old kid who is made fun of every day at school and on the bus? He is a very bright student and gets mostly As, so it isn't that he's unsuccessful in school. He is not particularly athletic since his dad never let him try out for basketball or football. He's okay (average) at baseball and used to like soccer but he outgrew the only soccer league there was around here. It isn't just the kids in his (very small) school either, because this summer he went to a two-week enrichment class and by the end of the second week he said the other kids were already making fun of him. I don't know if it was related to that or not, but he said that his model airplane was broken by another student when carrying it out of the class on the last day.
I suggested maybe he could take a martial arts class to meet some other kids but he thinks they too would just make fun of him. This problem has plagued him for years, but lately it has gotten worse. He used to complain that he didn't have any friends. Now he says that everybody makes fun of him. So far this year three of his four teachers have called at least once about such things as not doing homework, cheating on a test, and breaking school rules. His school is so small there is no guidance counselor. I have considered calling the office and asking to meet with all of his teachers together about this. Any other suggestions?
Worried Mom - USA
7465
Answer
It is not easy to change the way kids act. Often they don't want interference and refuse to cooperate. The problem with getting made fun of is that once you are pegged, it is very difficult to change the attitudes of others. This is true for adults as well as kids. The bright side is that kids change their views quicker than adults, so there is still a way out.
The middle school ages is the toughest of all. Kids can be really mean in the grades from 6 - 8. Once they get to high school most seem to grow up, although there still can be bullies in high school. Boys in that age group often rank others according to their physical skills. Athletes and bullies are ranked high on the pecking order. "Nerds" and "geeks" seem near the bottom in middle school. Being both good in some sport and smart can put the boy near the top.
The big thing is for him to get the confidence and esteem to overcome this problem, so he doesn't carry it into his adult life. If he is worrying about getting picked on, for sure he will set things up so that he will be picked on.
Find out why other kids make fun of him. Does he have real thick glasses? Is he small for his age? Does he stutter or have speech problems? Does he dress differently than the other kids? Does he cry easily? Is he interested in things out of the mainstream? What are his friends like?
It would be good to check with his previous teachers for some feedback. Perhaps they can give you some honest insight. Of course, don't let your son know you are doing this.
Being good in some physical activity is important at this age to gain confidence in dealing with others. Taking up Karate is not a bad idea, provided it is properly taught. There is some good self-discipline taught in the sport, building up confidence. Once a person walks and talks with confidence, the other kids can read that and will show more respect. He doesn't have to get in a fight, but he should not be afraid to defend himself.
Rent the movie "The Karate Kid". It shows how a kid who was picked on gained confidence. It also shows the importance of a good teacher versus a bad teacher.
Hopefully, these ideas will help.
Put down throughout childhood
Question
May 17, 2001
I'm somewhat confused about self-esteem, both high and low. If your childhood consisted of nothing but put downs, no encouragement, feeling as if you were never wanted, being physically abused, etc. etc. etc. how can you begin to build your self-esteem if this is the only way you know how to feel? How do you know if ever have high self-esteem, and feel comfortable with it?
Barbara - USA
7464
Answer
Parents, relatives, teachers and even friends have a lot to do with shaping your opinion of yourself when you are a child. Once you grow up and leave the nest, there is an opportunity to get away from this entire negative input and to try to get your esteem to what it should be. Often children who have been constantly put down and criticized move on to relationships and jobs where they still get put down by others. It is really tough to break out of that cycle.
The reason many people put down, criticize or abuse others is because it makes them feel strong and important. Some do it because they have been abused themselves and they think it is what you are supposed to do. Realize that the people who hurt you were doing so because it made them feel big or they were somewhat ignorant, and not because there was anything wrong with you.
There is an expression that "if you take crap, you get crap." In other words, if you allow people to put you down, you will get put down even more. Obviously, you can't do much as a kid, but as an adult you should be keenly aware of people who try to put you down and lower your esteem through their remarks. Avoid such people, if you can. Tell them, "I'm sorry, but I don't accept that type of criticism." Letting others put you down as an adult hinders your chances of raising your own esteem. Don't let them do it.
OK, if you realize the people in your past put you down because of their own personal deficiencies, and if you make sure no one does the same anymore, you can then start to work on building up your own opinion of yourself. Do this by taking stock of all the things you do that are good. Think of all your achievements-big and small. You might even write them down. You can look at the list and say, "Hey, I can do some pretty good stuff."
Then, whenever you complete a task-whether at home or at work-give yourself a pat on the back. Say, "Another job well done." You're stating your opinion that what you do and who are you is good and worthwhile. It is reinforcement of your positive self-esteem.
Hopefully, these ideas will help you get the type of esteem you deserve to have. I'm sure you'll be able to wash away all that junk from your childhood and get to feel great about yourself.
Worries when people talk bad about him
Question
May 23, 2005
Hi Ron
I am having a strange problem.Whenever someone says bad abt me i am not able to forget that and it keeps on going in my mind for the whole day and i feel miserable what shall i do.This has severly affected my studies.Moreover i am not having many friends as all my friends just talk abt girls and sex and i am not comfortable with that so what should i do so that i can also have friends on whom i can rely upon.Recently i started talking to a girl and everybody started associating me with her and i didnt feel comfortable with that and i had to stop talking with her did i take the right step?please help me.
- USA
7048
Answer
No one likes it when someone says something bad about him or her. But if the person has a strong self-image, it will not bother him too much.
The first thing to realize that anyone who says something bad about another person ir really trying to build himself up at the expense of the other person. Do not consider what the person says as meaningful.
But also note that it is good to check yourself for improvement if someone points out a flaw through criticism. Tell yourself, "I'll have to improve in that area."
You need to build up your self-esteem and confidence. Think of all the things you can do well and make a list of them. Remind yourself that you have plenty of talent and skills. But always seek to improve in areas of weakness.
Some friends you have known for a long time. But you also want to get friends that have common interests with you.
Don't worry about being associated with a girl. The best thing is to be able to talk to girls as friends. Your friends who are always thinking of sex and getting a date will soon be jealous because you have all these girls as friends. But you don't have to date them. Try to be friendly with everyone.
I hope these ideas help.
People putting him down
Question
March 19, 2005
im six-teen years of age and people are always putting me down every direction i turn.but i always know that God is with me when they say these things considering what they are doing is wrong they proberly would'nt like it bad things were happening to them i feel that i should'nt do any thing i should just let God decide their fate cause its not up to me what to do them .
I know sure if the things that happened to me daily happened to them they would probably be crying all day long because i have no right to say whats to happen to them cause im not in a position where i can.I carry on striving with or without people backing me cause i know Gods backing me all the way.
is this true or not ?
im from the uk i know this is an american site but please help me cause i have no friends who can advise me please
matthew - UK
6393
Answer
It is no fun to have people put you down. Some people put others down or make fun of others as a way to build themselves up. They usually don't feel good about themselves, and that is why they do it.
But if you find too many people putting you down, them perhaps you should look at yourself to see if there is something you are doing that is turning people off. Do some soul-searching to see if you can find out the problem. Then you can rectify it and eliminate the put-downs.
Someone who seems to put himself above everyone else will often get "put in his place" by others. It could be bragging or disapproving of others. Sometimes a person just looks like he thinks he's better, even if he doesn't act that way.
Once a number of people start putting someone down, otthers will jump in, even if they don't know the person. Then the person can become like a "punching bag" with everyone picking on him.
Besides looking at what you might be doing, ask some of your closest friends if you do anything to irritate people. They might give you some clues about what to change. Don't ask them for advice but just for information.
Finally, have faith in yourself. Seek to improve, because you know you can do it with the gifts that God has given you.
I hope these ideas help.
Tend to criticise my son
Question
October 24, 2004
I have a bright son but i tend to criticise all that he does and say, i think i am doing this because i only want the best for him but i know he is feeling unloved and he is loosing confidence and he thinks he cant do anything right. Please help. He is the oldest of my three boys and i dont seem to treat the others so badly, or should i say im more relaxed with the 2 younger ones. I know i should take a deep breath before i say anything but can you give more advise.
m - UK
4784
Answer
It is difficult to get out of the habit of criticizing, and it is very harmful for a person's esteem. Imagine if your husband or supervisor at work was constantly criticizing you. After a while, you would not feel too good about yourself.
It is important to look for things that he does right and compliment him on them. Don't make a big deal of it, but just say something like, "You did a good job there" or "I like the job your did."
Then when there are things with which you disagree, you should make your remark in a positive sense where you are helping. You could say something like, "Wouldn't it be better if you did it this other way?" or "I would prefer that didn't do that." This also allows him to make his own judgments.
Remember that everyone makes mistakes. Your children--as well as yourself--need to have the confidence to be able to correct those mistakes without feeling bad about it.
Best wishes on helping your son become a confident champion.
Son is angry and lacks esteem
Question
October 2, 2004
I have a 12 year old boy and who is very brite mechanically and very eager to help but usually on his terms. In other words homework and room cleaning is chore but cutting the grass on a ride on lawn mower is fun. He has an older 15 year step-brother and a younger biological brother.
My husband thinks his son, the 15 year old can do no wrong and my son is just like his father, basically angry at the world and disrespectful. My husband notices everything my son does and makes an issue of it.
His bio Dad loves him but has his own issues as in he still is not able after 8 years to accept the divorce and is very hateful himself against my husband now and lets the kids now they are not allowed to speak of him and rewarded for bad mouthing their step-Dad.
Any advice on how to help my son cope with all these issues but still maintain a proper level of discipline for his acting out, build his self esteem? He is not sport oriented more of a passion for anything mechanical. Mostly I think acting bad is his way of desperatley asking for help.
Both grown men in his life are not the greatest examples on controlling anger. They are not physically abusive at all but do act on emotions as opposed to realistic and supportive solutions.
Michelle - USA
4487
Answer
Being a step-parent is not easy. But you should let your husband know that you love his son and he should show the same love to your son--his step-son. Children notice it when there is favortism. Each child is different and has his own personality, but each should be treated the same. But also note that it is not easy to change how your husband acts. So you can't really press the issue.
It is only natural for a 12 year old to balk at doing some chores. In fact, they often resist chores until they graduate from high school.
Being angry is often from thinking the world owes you something. In our "Daily Ritual of Champions" we say that every day you should appreciate what you have. You can tell your son about the things you are thankful for. One of the blessings he has is that he has two dads. Of course neither is perfect, but it is better than having none at all. Being reminded of your blessings helps to overcome anger.
Also, you need to praise your son for things he does and try not to make any negative judgements. That might help overcome the negative feedback he may be getting.
Look into ways that he can use his mechanical interests. There may be things he can fix or such. See if there are some organizations or clubs where boys can tinker with mechanical things. Encourage it and let him know he has a great future with his mechanical abilities. Perhaps that will inspire him to do better in school.
I hope these ideas help. I am sure he will turn out fine.
Doesn't get respect
Question
May 3, 2004
Am in my fifties and can't keep a job for two reasons, best I can tell: 1] I have ADD type symptoms that inhibit me from focusing/thinking etc. and 2]have no idea how to "get respect" to the point I actually work not to get it (not consciously)...a very stange behavior. I try obsessively hard and sooner or later(usually not first blush)"turn people off". If I were on Survivor I would be voted off the plane before we even got to the island. And I am well spoken and relatively personable. So I can and have gotten $30k to $300k jobs but can't keep either or anything in between. It's not just a matter of cooling my jets, getting respect just is not intuitive for me and I don't know how to train myself. I have a personality issue that is causing me to go to waste. Help?
Michael - USA
3206
Answer
If you have attention deficit problems, seek some medical help to overcome the problem. Also, look into methods to learn to better concentrate. That is a problem that can readily be fixed.
Not outcome of being able to focus is that you can't get your work done. But another more important issue is the impression you give to others when you don't pay attention to what they are saying.
Getting respect is not that easy. Being in your fifties, you should not have to try hard to impress people. You should be able to just do your job and go with the flow.
You obviously are doing something wrong if you can't keep a job and turn people off. If you haven't burned your bridges behind you, call up some of the people you have worked for and worked with and ask them for their honest opinion of why things didn't work out. Perhaps take them out to lunch and listen. Some may be honest and tell you things you don't want to hear.
Such criticism may be hard to take, but it can be worth its weight in gold if you are able to realize some errors and change your ways to the better.
I hope these thougths give you some ideas of what to do to get back on the track and make the best of your life.
Looking for a definition of self-esteem
Question
March 31, 2004
Hello, my name is Alisi. I happen to have stumbled onto your website about self esttem. Maybe i'm getting the wrong defintion about it by thinking that what i feel about my self and not really caring what others think? I mean here's my defintion of how i raise it.
My opinion:
What accomplishments i do
The amount of friends i have and care for them
How i see myself and my lifestyle
You see, I've not always have gotten the aknowlegment (sorry if it's spelled wrong, long day) I have as a child, but when i got older things changed and i started getting this self esteem then. Do you think i'm letting anything at all go to my head? becuase really I'm not trying to. It's just I'm taking in what i never got before and am trying to let that give me a natural high, but honestly, what does? I mean I'm popular, smart, Cute and fun. I'm not basing those on my self esteem, but do you think i'm using that in general as a self esteem builder? becuase if I am, please let me know now so i won't continue doing it.
Thank you for your time and have a nice day.
Please repsond.
Ty - USA
2893
Answer
Self-esteem is your own opinion about yourself and what type of person you are. But that opinion also takes into account what other people say and how thye act to you. When you do something, you can judge the results yourself and perhaps give yourself a pat on the back. That self-acknowledgement can build your esteem.
Getting acknowledgement, recognition and praise from others is rare--except perhaps for entertainers. The boss at work will seldom praise the workers. Some parents don't even praise their children. In fact, some bosses and parents actually think that negative comments will make the person do better.
I think your concept of self-esteem is valid. It is how you feel about yourself.
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