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Character Feedback

by Ron Kurtus

Readers have sent in a total of 173 comments and questions on Character issues. They are listed according to date.

You can read them to further your understanding of the subject.



List of next 15 letters

Title

Topic

Country

I used to steal Stealing UK
 
What is a trustworthy marriage? Honesty Zimbabwe
 
Family is against person's dreams Determination Nigeria
 
Thinking of stealing since husband has poor job Stealing USA
 
Husband's boss preaches hell and brimstone Stealing USA
 
Student from China caught shoplifting Stealing USA
 
Define temperance Franklin's Virtues USA
 
Most people only think of themselves Motivations to Change Character Philippines
 
I want to be brave, but I am a coward If I Were Brave Sudan
 
How are we honest? Honesty India
 
Exchange student stole money and skipped out Stealing USA
 
Caught stealing at Wal-Mart Stealing USA
 
Writing a letter of reference for a co-worker Benefits USA
 
Son is staying at home and refuses to help out Ambition USA
 
How to get the right amount of ambition? Ambition Kenya
 

Next 15 letters

 




First 15 letters


Stealing

I used to steal

April 7, 2011

Question

used to steal and now everyone in my class acuse me for missing propeties. What can I do?

- UK (21450)

Answer

One of the biggest problems with stealing is that you can get a reputation of being a thief. Even if you no longer steal and are very honest, there still will be people who suspect you of being a thief, especially if something is missing.

You need to go out of your way to show you are honest. If something is missing, you may even offer to help find it or find who stole it.

It will take a long time to get your reputation back. But after a while others will forget, especially if he really show you are honest.

Best wishes on getting others to trust you again.

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Honesty

What is a trustworthy marriage?

March 26, 2011

Question

What is a trustworthy marriage or family spiritualy?

victor - Zimbabwe (21390)

Answer

A trustworthy marriage is when each person trusts the other to be honest and honorable. When one person does not tell the truth or violates the marriage vow, the marriage is not trustworthy. However, if one asks for forgiveness, the trust can build over time.

Family spirituality can relate to good religious values, as well a good character and cooperation. You have a good spiritual family relationship when you are all at peace with each other, as well as yourself. There is the spirit of cooperation between husband and wife, as well as the children. You are all together for the good of the family.

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Determination

Family is against person's dreams

February 19, 2011

Question

if someone is determined to do one particular thing in life and that is not in support with all the members of his/her family and all his/her focus is on that particular thing to do in life what will he/she do.

Chisa - Nigeria (21230)

Answer

Determination is often needed to achieve a specific goal. However, if that goal is not supported by members of the family, it presents a dilemma.

You have to understand their rationale and reasoning for not supporting the goal. Although in some cultures, the family has much influence on the direction a person should take, in these modern times young people like to try new things.

The best things is to ask the family members to have trust and allow you to try something different. Promise that if things do not work out, you can always change to their ideas.

In this way, it is a compromise instead of rebellion.

I assume that you have something you really want to do, so best wishes in achieving your dreams.

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Stealing

Thinking of stealing since husband has poor job

December 14, 2010

Question

I am angry at my husband and have contemplated stealing what I need. I have religious convictions that tell me its wrong, though. I only thought about it because I'm so angry at my husband. He works in a certain trade where he can start his own business and earn a lot of money, yet he makes every excuse not to bother. Instead he keeps working for this jerk that teakes advantage of him and although he's worked there for 15 years and has been the best worker the company has ever had, his boss took away his personal and sick days and holiday pay. I'm very angry. He has enough talent to work for himself. I know he can't just quit his job, but he makes excuses for not naming his business so that he can't get business cards and can't advertise in the better papers that reach more people. Us and our four kids are going without. I don't even have sheets on my bed, I go to the salvation army for my kids clothes, who are growing like weeks. I pick garbage from the side of the road to try to sell it. I'm so angry. He could do better, but it seems his loyalty is to his horrible boss then to his family! I've really thought about leaving him, maybe then he'd get his act together. I'm really sad. This isn't even me to think about such things as stealing. :(

nobody - USA (20850)

Answer

I think the big problem is that your husband doesn't realize his skills and can't picture himself in business for himself. Starting up your own business is a scary proposition, and it is probably easier to go through the same old routine at work.

Since his boss takes advantage of him, it is apparent that he is not getting any recognition or praise for the work he does. That just keeps his self-image down.

Here is an exercise you can try, if you can get some quiet time together. Get out a couple of pieces of paper and a pencil. Ask him what are some of the things he has really enjoyed doing in the past 10 years or so. Write them down. On another paper, tell him enjoyable times you have had and write them down. It doesn't have to be many.

Then under that list, ask him to tell some of the things he has done that he was proud of, especially at work. You can make a list of your accomplishments too. It doesn't have to be anything sensational. But it makes you think of things each of you has done.

Finally, ask him to tell you things he'd like to do in the next 5 years. You do the same.

Now, the whole idea of this is that when he looks at his list, he can realize, "Hey! I've got something going for myself!" It also points out where you two want to go in your lives.

Hopefully, this will get him thinking and perhaps give him some incentive.

As far as starting up his own business goes, it is not easy unless there is outside work available. Usually, you need some back-up money to get by until work comes in. But at the very least, your husband should look for another job where he will be appreciated.

For information on starting a business, see:
http://www.school-for-champions.com/entrepreneurship.htm

As far as stealing to get what you want goes, you know that it is not only wrong, but it is stupid. If you would get caught, it would be bad for your family.

But you shouldn't have to be be skimping and collecting garbage when your husband has a solid job. Hopefully, he is not drinking or gambling the money away.

Try the exercise I suggested. If your husband doesn't want to cooperate and doesn't seem to care about the condition of his family, then I don't know what to say.

Best wishes in improving your life and that of your family. Let me know how things turn out.

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Stealing

Husband's boss preaches hell and brimstone

December 14, 2010

Question

After reading all the comments on this website and the trouble people have gotten in, I've decided that I won't steal even though I need certain things. I'll save up some money and try to find a good deal for what I need. I'm still mad at my husband because he is putting us in this situation because of his lack of motivation when he could give us a really good life without even working to hard.

I have to add that my husband's boss is also to blame for his lack of money in the bank right now. Last October in 09, he got appendicities and he was out of work for 6 weeks. His boss didn't even help him. My husband used his summer vacation time(thats the only time he gets for family, but no sick or personal or holiday pay days) After his week of vacation was up, we were on our own. His boss is a Sunday School teacher and preaches hell and brimstone to people. We drained our savings and my husband is bitter because after 15 years of working for this man, his boss forgot about him and showed no care. He makes millions of dollars a year and my husband is a big part of him making that money, but he couldn't even help him when it counted. My husband was also sick again with a possible stroke and was out of work for 3 days. His boss showed NO mercy once again. We lost 1,000 from him being out of work. My husband did not have a stroke, it is an eye issue, but he's better now.
I just don't know what to do. We can't keep going on like this.

At least finding this website has helped me decide to stay out of trouble. Its wrong morally anyway. Thank you and I would appreciate any words of wisdom you have to offer our family of 6.

nobody - USA (20852)

Answer

It is good to realize that stealing is not worth the consequences to you or your family. You need to be brave and strong to help keep your family together and healthy. It shows that you are someone important and worth while.

Obviously, your husband's boss is not someone who practices what he preaches. He probably is a very self-centered person who uses his position in his church and at work to show his power over others. Pray for him. He'll need it in the end.

I don't think your husband's problem is the lack of motivation, because he seems to be working hard at his job. Instead, he has his priorities wrong. Family must come first over this job. Unless his boss has some hold on him -- perhaps through his religious preaching, both in the church and at the job.

Don't expect the boss to help your husband or anyone. Your husband must realize that his loyalty to this job is ruining his health and destroying his family. You can't get him to act by nagging him, but you can help to open his eyes if he truly loves you and his children. Perhaps then he will overcome the hold his boss has on him.

I wish you the best and hope that your husband will maintain his health, as well as to see the light and get a different job.

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Stealing

Student from China caught shoplifting

November 28, 2010

Question

Umm, I am an international student from China, And today I was caught because I put something into my pocket when I was in Walmart, and I didn't mean to do that, that stuff is worth about $15, when I was try to get out the walmart, the employee stopped me and take me to the backroom, then they call the police, I said sorry again and again, then the police take me to the police station, then my friend come here and pay $500 to pick me out, and I need to go to court next Friday. I am so scared that will I lose my student visa and have to stop my study here? or what will be the punishment?

- USA (20752)

Answer

It is highly unusual for someone shoplifting a $15 item to be taken to the police station and even more unusual to require $500 for bail. Perhaps they are extra strict in that community.

Typically, a person who is arrested for shoplifting will be simply given a warning or perhaps a fine, especially if it is a first offense. Since you had to pay $500 to get out, I am not so sure what they will do.

The best thing to do is to go to your counselor at school, especially concerning international students, and ask for advice. You might need representation (such as a lawyer). At the very least, the counselor should be familiar with the laws in the area.

I hope everything works out for you and that it will not impact your student visa. At the very least, it is a good lesson.

Best wishes for you in this situation. Let me know how things turn out.

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Franklin's Virtues

Define temperance

October 20, 2010

Question

can u clearly define these 13 steps for example "temperance- eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation" what does that mean

stephanie - USA (20563)

Answer

Temperance means that you should not overeat. Some people eat so much that they become sleepy or dull minded. Likewise, it means that you can have an alcoholic drink in a social situation, but you should not drink so much that you become drunk.

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Motivations to Change Character

Most people only think of themselves

October 9, 2010

Question

this is best for people how change of value of life because all most people are self only

jose - Philippines (20513)

Answer

Yes, it is true that many people think only of themselves. Being considerate of others is a valuable character trait.

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If I Were Brave

I want to be brave, but I am a coward

September 1, 2010

Question

I need your help to be brave person because i am coward.

Yillow - Sudan (20323)

Answer

The very first thing to do is to never consider yourself as a coward. Calling yourself a coward only makes matters worse. Instead, think of yourself as very cautious.

A coward runs from any danger or threat, without even considering how bad it is. A cautious person will evaluate the danger and then make a decision on whether it is wise to proceed.

It is important to be able to look at the danger or risk in a situation and ask yourself, "What is the worst that can happen to me if I fail?" Often the consequences are so small that there is no reason not to proceed.

Building your confidence in areas of fear is necessary to become brave. You do that by taking small steps where the chances of failure are small. Then, when you complete that step, you congratulate yourself and look toward taking a bigger step.

Before long, you will be confident and brave. But not foolishly brave.

If you work at it, you will become a brave person and a champion. I am sure of it.

Never call yourself a coward again. Just say that you are cautious.

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Honesty

How are we honest?

June 29, 2010

Question

how can we possibly be honest?

bobi - India (19985)

Answer

Everyone wants others to be honest with them and to tell the truth and not try to cheat them. But yet, some of them will turn around and be dishonest with others.

It is good to be honest and forthright in all your dealing with other people.

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Stealing

Exchange student stole money and skipped out

May 19, 2010

Question

hi, i was a exchage student in USA one year ago. but i did a very stupid thing i steal something worth $127 at JCpenny store. i hired a lawyer and went to the court.the court let me did 36hours social services and charge me fines. after i did 16hours services i back to my country without pay to the court. because i need back to my university to continue my last year studying and i am afraid at USA after i steal . but this year i was graduated and will be a cabin crew.maybe i will fly to USA, but i am afraid USA will not let me in anymore. at the same time i am afraid my airline will know this thing and lose my job. what i can do now? thank you

Jasmine - USA (19745)

Answer

It was bad enough that you stole money in another country where you were studying, but skipping out on completing your punishment and not paying the fine was adding to the crime. That is not good and shows you did not have remorse for what you had done. It is a disappointing lack of character for an educated person.

It is unlikely that they are looking for you or that you would be stopped from entering the United States. However, it is something that could arise.

It might be worthwhile to check with the lawyer you had hired for the case and see what options you may have. My guess is that just letting things be might be recommended.

Hopefully, you have learned a lesson from this incident.

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Stealing

Caught stealing at Wal-Mart

May 3, 2010

Question

im a mother of 5 childern, my husband recently got deported. last week i was caught shoplifting from walmart, i got petty theft 2nd degree, i am very embarressed and feel horrible for what i did, what are my consequences that i am facing when i go to court in 3 weeks, or do you have any advice? my children were with me when i did it, but i dont think they understood what was going on...could anything happen to my childern? thank you for your time

Kayla - USA (19659)

Answer

It is too bad that your husband was deported recently. With 5 children, it certainly adds to your problems getting caught shoplifting. If this is your first offense, they probably will let you off with probation, especially since you are sorry and embarrassed about the situation.

However, there may be some concern whether you are able to support and take care of your children, since your husband is gone. Have you checked with Social Services in your community? If you go to a church, perhaps they have some service to help or give advise about how to take care of your children.

Certainly, do not steal or shoplift again. You need to think of your family. Also, if you are in need, there are services which will help you.

Best wishes in your court case and in taking care of your children.

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Benefits

Writing a letter of reference for a co-worker

March 30, 2010

Question

Need some help on how to write a letter of trusworthy for a co-worker.

- USA (19465)

Answer

I assume this is a letter of reference for your co-working, stating the person is trustworthy, as well as having other positive character traits such as being reliable and hard working.

Such a letter does can be very short and to the point. You could write something like:

To whom it may concern:

I find XXX to be a trustworthy and reliable fellow worker. We have known each other for YYY years, and I could always count on him/her to do a good job.

If you would like further information, feel free to contact me.

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Ambition

Son is staying at home and refuses to help out

March 26, 2010

Question

I have a son who is 29 years old. He has no form of transportation currently and doesn't seem to be concerned. He is still living in my home and doesn't want to lift his hand to do anything physical. His entire family thinks that he is lazy and I am trying to be considerate of his feelings. He has shown selfishness in many ways in the past. I will not go into explanation at this time due to the lengthiness of the situation. How should I go about informing him that he needs to get some ambition and quit depending on Mom? Your input would be greatly appreciated.

Sherry - USA (19438)

Answer

It is easy to lack ambition when you have someone doing everything for you. Sometimes adult children that are staying at home fail to realize that they have some responsibility to and are no longer kids.

One thing to do is to have a talk with him and ask him if he has any plans for the future. Ask him if there is any type of job that he'd really like to get. Ask him is he can still see himself living at home when he's 40. You may not get any answers, because he may not know. However, it might get him thinking about things.

Besides that, tell him that you work very hard and that it is not right that he doesn't help out around the house. Then tell him that if he wants to stay at whole, there are some chores that he has to do in order to help his mother.

Another thing is to tell him that he will have to start paying room and board. It doesn't have to be much, but even $10 a week will make him realize he is no longer a child that someone is taken care of.

The worst thing in the world is to try to be considerate of his feelings. That doesn't do him any favors. On the other hand, having others tell him he is lazy also is not a positive approach.

You want to encourage him to seek out his dreams. Giving him some responsibility is a start in the right direction.

I hope these ideas help. Best wishes and helping her son move toward success.

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Ambition

How to get the right amount of ambition?

February 22, 2010

Question

So how do you maintain the balance between having too much ambition and having too little? How can i know that I have the right amount of ambition?

Jeddida - Kenya (19272)

Answer

A person with too little ambition is usually considered lazy. However, some have not found the motivation and the means to inspire their ambition.

A person with too much ambition can be obsessed with achieving his goal and reaping the rewards. Sometimes that can be good in the short-term and is called determination. However, an overly ambitious person may be greedy and even ruthless in achieving his goals. His life has no balance.

You want to find something you want to get or want to achieve and be ambitious in moving toward your goal. But also, it is not only winning or getting a reward that is important, but it is also the desire to grow, to do your best and to be proud of your achievement. Good ambition also involves helping others. A man who is ambitious for his family is seldom overly ambitious. If he cares for his family, he also will not be lazy.

Seek to grow and to help those around you, and you should have the right amount of ambition.

Best wishes in your success.

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