by Ron Kurtus
Readers have sent in a total of 206 comments and questions on Excellence issues. They are listed according to date.
You can read them to further your understanding of the subject.
|Needs confidence for getting a job||Confidence||India|
|Is confidence inborn?||Confidence||USA|
|Humiliated self and lost confidence||Confidence WBT||USA|
|Parents always are criticizing||Confidence||India|
|Nervous because doesn't have a British accent||Confidence||UK|
|Wants to look confident for dancing class||Confidence||UK|
|Need confidence for job interview||Confidence||UK|
|What am I doing wrong?||Confidence||USA|
|Wants advice about socialzing in school||Confidence||Canada|
|I don't have confidence in myself||Confidence||India|
|Wants confidence to pay attention||Confidence WBT||USA|
|How to create the impression of being smart?||Esteem||india|
|How to avoid demeaning myself?||Confidence||USA|
|How do I deal with an unlikely fear?||Fear||USA|
|How can I acknowledge my successes?||Confidence||USA|
Needs confidence for getting a job
March 6, 2006
hi its good to see such an effort.
i need to know how can i gain confidence in speaking with others.
i mean i dont able find words while i talk to others and most importantly i talk with big break till the other person loses interest in me.
what should i do? i m looking for job these days and in interview also i rejected because of this resson....please look into the matter
i wont say help me...as it sounds lowering self esteem...isn't it?
Also, does it matter what country i am from?
looking for a reply
thanks nice talking to u
amit - India (10353)
Before you interview for a job, you need to practice the interview, such that you can answer questions wisely. Have a friend interview you, as if you were applying for that practice. Also have information about your background and experience written out. The resume should be 1-2 pages, but you may want to bring other material that details what you have done, if details are asked. It is better to only answer questions in an interview than trying to do too much talking.
In speaking to other people, they may lose interest in you because you want to talk too much about yourself. That is the usual reason people lose interest. Ask them questions and show interest, and you will find your conversations last longer.
As far as your country goes: Yes it does matter what your country is, because customs and methods vary with culture. It also matters if you are applying for a job, where you may have to speak in another language than your native tongue.
I hope these ideas help you in finding a job.
Is confidence inborn?
March 5, 2006
I have been enjoying your web site as part of my course entitled, "The Personally Intelligent Teacher." Confidence is something I have worked on all my life, but I would like to know your point of view on the concept that some people are born with a huge amount of confidence and they don't go through any of the steps suggested to improve confidence. They are naturals. It does not depend on their economic level or their education. It comes from within. Do you believe that confidence itself is a form of intelligence and is a gift, just like being able to sing or draw is a gift? Just wondering, because I'm still working at it and I sense a scaffolding inside which worked its way up, but I can still see through it all the way to the bottom. Sometimes when I'm tired or I am in front of someone personally intimidating, I think I never made progress at all.
Jane - USA (10339)
Some children seem to be inherently shy. They have a personality that has a much lower confidence level than an average child. There are also some children that are naturally more aggressive and sure of themselves than the average.
These personality traits are the starting point. Experiences in life will either enhance the child's confidence or how sure he or she is in being able to perform a task, or they may inhibit the confidence level.
A shy child, lacking initial confidence often won't try new things that would allow an increase in confidence. On the other hand, it is possible that a highly confident child may "get his fingers burned" and fail to the point of becoming subdued.
There are many other factors involved. For example, a child with normal inborn confidence may have a speech impediment that would reduce confidence in dealing with other people.
A child with low initial confidence may suddenly find a skill that would allow him or her to blossom and become a highly confident person.
I hope these ideas help. Best wishes in your studies.
Humiliated self and lost confidence
February 22, 2006
Your section on confidence was very enlightening. I have a problem with my own confidence by being too critical of myself. Here is my dilemma.
I am twenty five year old, very good looking freshman in college living in a dorm. I have a lot to be proud of as I have grown up a hard-case and am now in nursing school and paying for it 100% myself. In most things I have great confidence... until I want to know a pretty girl.
I have never dated. Instead I have had a series of fumbled relationships that always start with a hot night in bed. I just don't have any experience in dating and I understand now that in order to have a quality girl, I have to work for it.
With the help of your exercise, I think what I need to do is to start getting to know girls by just introducing myself and patting myself on the back for everyday that she is still talking to me.
My question lies with this: Recently I have been trying to get to know some pretty girls and recently I have made some very, VERY bad mistakes. My confidence in trying again is shot. As much as I try, I literally cannot move from the place I am standing to go and introduce myself. I find myself walking around with my hat pulled down over my face so that I don't accidently see one of the girls that I humiliated myself in front of. How do I gain back that confidence to start talking with girls again?
Truely wanting to change...
Stephen - USA (10182)
Having a hot night in bed with a pretty woman is every man's dream, but it is not the best way to start a relationship with that girl. You both had sex, that's all.
What you should be looking for is a girl with common interests and values, with whom you can have some fun and some great conversation. You want to find someone with whom you can enjoy her company. Hopefully both of you will be more discriminating on who you have sex with--at least if you are considering it more than a one-night stand.
One thing to consider when going after real pretty girls, is that you are then competing with all sorts of other guys. Also, many real good lookers are oftem all about themselves. Years ago I dated Miss San Diego a few times. A beautiful woman, but a real pain, since all the conversation was about how great she was.
As far as humiliating yourself in front of those girls: live and learn. Move on. Don't do it again. You may not have humiliated yourself as much as you think. Just ignore it and don't consider explaining it or apologizing unless someone brings it up. Most will soon forget the whole thing.
One more thing about relationships: listen to the girl. Ask her about what she likes and is interested in. That is the best way to start a friendship and possible relationship.
Best wishes in finding the right girl.
Parents always are criticizing
January 26, 2006
I came across your website through surfing on net and really liked it.I really lack confidence.I always think that I am always wrong.I have done my graduation but always feel that whatever i say i am always wrong.I don't know why.Maybe,its because at school time i never used to get good marks and parents always scolded me .But i got good marks in graduation then .But they were nto that happy because they thought that i am not that intelligent.I am now doing my PG and really want to work in future but due to no confidence i am not ale to do it.Whenever somebody asks me something i think that i am gonna tell wrong to that person.I don't know why?
I see so many girls working around me , i always think that they r like me only then why i am not able to do it.Why me?
Please , help me.How should i go about me.I will be waiting for yor reply
jasmeet - India (9808)
Although your parents love you and hope you will do well, they have done you harm to your esteem and confidence by criticising you and implying that you are not intelligent enough. You need to first realize that their intentions were good, but their methods were wrong. Then you need to work on overcoming the negative messages they have given you.
Make a list of all the things you have done in school that were better than many of the other students. Perhaps you were not at the top, but you still did a good job. The fact that you graduated is a great achievement in itself. Congratulate yourself for that.
Keep track of all the times you have succeeded and all the times you complete things successfully. Each time you complete something, tell yourself, "Good job." If no one else will give you encouragement, you need to give it to yourself. Everyone--even the top students--need encouragement, otherwise they will start to have doubts about their abilities.
When someone asks you what you think, you can tell them, "It is my opinion that..." or "As far as I understand it..." In this way, if you are incorrect, it will be only as was you opinion. You can be quickly willing to learn, if there are other ideas.
You need to respect your parents, but you also need to realize they are feeding you toxic thoughts that is just keeping you down. At the very least, try not to accept their criticism. If you can avoid it, then do so.
Also try to get some positive, happy friends that will give you support.
It is a difficult situation, but I am sure that you will be able to show the world the great potential you have and to become a champion in what you do.
Nervous because doesn't have a British accent
January 18, 2006
Hi...i am a student in some university in london. I have been speakin english all my life but i haven't got british accent which makes me nervous in the lecture rooms. Can you help me in this type of situation? I feel i am losin all my talent due to this.
- UK (9722)
If you have a good question or something of value to say, you should not worry about your accent. But you must make a conscious effort to make sure you speak clearly and slow enough that those used to a British accent will be able to understand you. In fact, you may be at an advantage in class because others will listen more carefully to you than they might to someone else.
Concentrating on being understood should help to overcome your nervousness.
Wants to look confident for dancing class
January 8, 2006
i go dancing and at the moment we are learning about stage presence. our teacher got us to walk across the stage confidently take a bow then walk off confidently.... but none of us managed it very well. she has set us with the task to come up with an exercise/little game that will help us build our confidence up. We really want to but don't know how.. could you please help???
Hanna - UK (9595)
Pick your favorite actor or actress and notice how the person walks in front of the camera, seeming so self-assured. Study that body language.
Look at yourself in the mirror and try to seem dejected. Then change the expression to being proud as a peacock and really sure of yourself. You stand erect, your chest is out, and your head is held up high. Strut around with that demeanor. That should give you the feeling of how to act, perhaps in an exaggerated manner.
When you do walk in front of the class, take your time. Get that demeanor that you are someone special. Bow slowly, look at the audience and wait for their applause.
Dancing is great fun.
Need confidence for job interview
January 2, 2006
HI I HAVE NO CONFIDENCE AND DON'T HAVE GOOD PEOPLE SKILLS AND FIND IT VERY HARD TO MEET NEW PEOPLE AND WHEN I DO MEET NEW PEOPLE FIND IT HARD TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WHILST TALKING FIND THIS VERY DIFFCULT
HOW CAN I IMPROVE THIS I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW IN A FEW DAYS SO I NEED AS MUCH HELP AS I CAN GET!!
DEAN - UK (9524)
Right now, don't worry about your social skills. Rather, concentrate on getting ready for your job interview.
Write a list of reasons why you think this company should hire you. By the way, have you done research on what they do? It is good to know as much as possible about the company.
Write down your accomplishments, especially related to the type of job you are seeking. Even little things can be important. You want to have some achievements that you are proud of.
Get a friend or family member to interview you for the job. The person should ask tough questions: "Why do you want this job?" "What experience do you have that makes you the person for this job?" and so on. If possible, tape the interview, so you can listen to your answers.
You would like to go through several interviews like this until you are comfortable answering questions and have confidence in your answers. Don't worry about such things as eye contact. Instead, make sure you sound like you know what you're talking about.
Going through these exercises will help you in your interview.
Also, when you talk to other people, you will know you can handle yourself in a tough situation. Also, try to concentrate on listening to what others have to say. This will take off the pressure and will greatly help your people skills.
Best wishes on getting this job and being a champion.
What am I doing wrong?
December 4, 2005
What am I doing wrong when I do something, then after doing it I say to myself " good job" but nothing happens. I don't feel confident. I don't feel anything. Every time I do something, successful or not, I tell myself, "good job" but I don't become confident at all. I don't feel like I can "do it again." Can you help?
Russ - USA (9255)
The whole idea is to acknowledge your successes and when you achieve goals--even small ones. Often people don't acknowledge what they have done and some even criticize themselves for not being good enough.
You've got to believe it was a good job and be proud of what you did. Telling yourself "good job" is that acknowledgement.
Confidence is feeling sure of yourself in being able to do some task. You are sure you can drive your car, because you've successfully done it many times. You are confident in your ability to drive that car. But look at how unsure you were when you first started driving.
People are often confident in everyday things but become very uncomfortable in social activities among strangers or when trying something new. If you can look back at your track record in other, similar activities you can often build up your nerve for the scary ones.
The whole idea of telling yourself "good job" is to keep a positive attitude toward what you do and are able to do. It is establishing a "can do" attitude that will allow you to be confident in other activities.
Note that people who are extremely confident seem to "walk tall" almost with a swagger. Sometimes that is a front, but the body language helps, espcially after acheiving a difficult task.
I hope these ideas help.
Wants advice about socialzing in school
November 29, 2005
hi, im in 9 grade and i was just wondering if you could give me some advice in socialising at school!! In school i have 3 good friedns and then people that i know, i would like 2 seem more friendlier when people see me, but becuase i never smile, i dont look to friendly!!! Also not be so shy when talking to people. Mostly im afraid to be rejected when making a comment or saying something to another person!!
- Canada (9149)
The first place to start is when you see friends and people you know in the halls to say "Hi" to them. It is good if you know the person's name too. This should include both boys and girls. There is no pressure doing this and it is good practice at being friendlier. Also, greeting people in the halls forces you to look and be friendlier.
Note that many times others may be distracted and be surprised when you greet them or may not respond at all. But note that the person who greets others is somewhat in a position of power. It is a good feeling when you get others to respond.
After a while, you may be able to greet students that you don't really know. Again, there is no obligation, but you are just being friendly. Some may answer and some won't.
Finally, when you do start to talk to someone, find some common interest to talk about. Or something that you know the other person is intersted in. You may ask a question about something you noticed. You want the other person to talk. Don't worry about telling about yourself until much later.
I hope these ideas help you get better in socializing in school.
I don't have confidence in myself
November 20, 2005
i don't have confidence in myself. how can i have self-confidence?
arun - India (9025)
First, look at the things you are sure you can do. There are many things that you don't even realize that you are good at. You can walk and talk and use the computer. In each of those activities you have confidence. There are probably many more. Give youself credit for what you can do.
Now look at the difficult things that you fear to do or where you don't have confidence. You need to work on improving your confidence in those areas, a little at a time. Always remember that you are confident in other areas, so you can then be confident in these area too.
Acknolwedge each little success and congratulate yourself. Tha twill increase your confidence, as you get better and better.
Wants confidence to pay attention
November 18, 2005
I dont have enuff confidence to pay attentoin
- USA (9004)
Confidence is how sure you are you can do something. Paying attention is caused by being interested in what is being said or presented. And to be interested, you need to see some value in it for you.
How to create the impression of being smart?
November 14, 2005
how to put or create a impression on others so that they will think im smart and inteeligent
shogan - india (8950)
It is what you say and don't say that give an impression of being intelligent. It is also how you say things.
A person may be very smart, but he may sound like he is not sure of what he says. Also, if he is nervous, he may speak too rapidly, making him sound less intelligent. Speaking slowly and surely implies you know what you are talking about.
Being well-versed in many subjects is important. It is good to not only be an expert in your specialty, but to also be aware of many other topics. This includes news, sports, science, and literature. You do not need to be an expert, but if you know a little about a subject and are willing to let the other person explain more, then you will make the impression that you are an intelligent person.
A person who is not intelligent but is simply trying to make others think he is will soon get caught by saying something that is obviously incorrect. Then others will think he is dishonest, besides being stupid.
You want others to accept your intelligence and not to think less of you. But also, you do not want them to think you are smarter than you are, because they may soon find out the truth.
Best wishes on being yourself.
How to avoid demeaning myself?
November 7, 2005
I was just wondering. How do you acknowledge your successes in a way that you acknowledge them all of the time, and become confident? What is the best way to acknowledge your sucesses and become confident? I sometimes demean what I have done, and sometimes don't acknowledge my successes. Can you help?
J - USA (8857)
It is tough not to criticize yourself when you make a mistake. Catch yourself saying things like, "Man was that stupid! What is wrong with you? Can't you do anything right?" Those types of comments aren't good for a parent, teacher or coach to give. Likewise, demeaning yourself really can lower your abilities and concentration.
Instead, you have to work on giving corrective advise instead of negative criticism. Try to tell yourself to do thing better the next time.
Play some game like ping-pong and for every shot, tell yourself "Good shot." For every miss, tell yourself, "Concentrate on the ball." Then compare your game with when you criticize your mistakes and even shots that scored points but weren't perfect. You will see the difference in your play. This applies to all aspects in life.
How do I deal with an unlikely fear?
November 2, 2005
how should I deal with a fear that is very very unlikely but yet I seem to think about it too much?
marcel - USA (8795)
Often people will say to just forget about the unlikely fear. But that is not easy to do and probably won't work for you.
A better method is to dwell on that fear and actually think about it more often. Consider all the different ways you would cope with that situation and how you would avoid the problems. It won't be too long until you actually get bored with that fear because you've working things out about how to handle it.
This seems like opposite what people say, but it has been proven to be a better method for those who think a lot about certain fears.
How can I acknowledge my successes?
November 1, 2005
How exactly do you acknowledge your successes? Especially when you don't really accept your successes. Most of the time I don't acknowledge successes because I demean what I've done, or they aren't good enough.
J - USA (8783)
Usually a person who does not accept his or her successes has unrealistic standards and expectations. Although it is good to shoot for top performance, not accepting anything less is self-defeating. You could get a 95 in a test and say that the grade stinks because you expect to get 100 on each test. There is a point that without self-encouragement, you will never perform well.
When a child is trying to walk, you don't criticize his inabilities. Instead, you encourage every step. The same is true in your own self-talk. You need to constantly encourage yourself, otherwise you will create a mental picture of being a loser.
The point of view is that you should congratulate yourself on every minor achievement, even if they didn't reach your goals. If you wanted 100 on a test and got an 85, you should still say, "Good job. Next time let's move up the ladder toward 100." It is even good to accept the successes for each test question answered. All these little encouragements will move you up to top levels must faster and better than feeling your performance wasn't good enough.
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